This morning I watched the sunrise for the first time. The first time that I consciously made an effort to enjoy watching the sun come up over the tops of the trees, burning and blazing orange. It was so beautiful. We dove up to an area behind the CVS on Kimball Bridge, and just sat there, listening to music. It was glorious - one of the more amazing moments in life. And one I'll not soon forget, either.

Tear drop 8:16 AM of Sarah

My sister was made fun of today in her math class, because a boy accidentally shook her desk one time, and noticed how her boobs moved. He then continually shook the desk, making sure everyone saw. My sister is incredibly embarrassed about this - and the little fucker kept doing it. Goddamn him for making her feel uncomfortable AT SCHOOL about her body. She's absolutely gorgeous, my littlest, and she's sweet as can be. I want to kill him for making her feel this way.

Tear drop 4:40 PM of Sarah

You've never known fun until your car starts rolling backwards down a hill, and your engine shuts off. Oh wait, did I say fun? I mean PANIC! Yes, that's right, I finally did the ride it till you ain't got no gas drivin. I'm special - and in addition to that - I got to have three lovely ladies screaming with me while I embarrassed myself. And then we called Ian, and he and Chandler came, while Sara and Clarke escaped the devil machine and went to RaceTrack to get me some gas, while Aniele and I sat in my car and laughed about the stupidity of my situation. At least I ran out of gas going up Clarke's street, because if it had stopped on Old Milton, I would have had a panic attack. Quote of the day: "GET ME OUT OF THIS DEVIL MACHINE!" - Sara Beverly. Love you Sara!

Tear drop 8:27 PM of Sarah

So, it's 1:30 in the morning, and I'm typing on the computer in Brandon Perlman's bedroom. Odd? I think so. But after tonight's events nothing can really phase me. I want to thank each and every one of my friends for everything that they did for me tonight. I've always known that you guys are amazing people, but tonight has solidified your position as the best, most wonderful, most loyal, most caring people in the entire world. I don't know what happened to me tonight, I don't know why it happened. When I called Bethany tonight, I was scared, and for the most part, that's all I remember. Thank-you all for coming when I needed you. Thank-you all for being there to take care of me, and carry my stupid heavy ass to the car, to the steps, and finally lift me into a huge blanket and carry me through the back. All of your laughter and support and care was absolutely amazing. I'm sorry I caused such a huge catastrophe - I know everyone keeps telling me to stop apolagizing, but it's all I can say. Thank-you and I'm sorry. I owe all of you so much. If there's anything I can do for the rest of you at any point in your life, let me know. Thank-you all for coming to save me. I don't know what I would have done without all of you. You are absolutely amazing and wonderful, and I love upu all very much. I think I'm going to go to sleep and not pay attention to the fact that my parents are going to kill me tomorrow. So thank-you again, and good night. :)

Tear drop 1:32 AM of Sarah

Before I go into detail about tonight's wonderful parental fiasco, I must give a big shout-out congratulations thing to the boys of Lost Soldiers . It was fabulous boys, very good, especially for a high school flick. Can't wait to see Chandler's flick tomorrow night, hurrah for that! And now, on with the pain.
So after Nick was a full 15 minutes late getting out of school, I left, as he had not called me. He called me 5 minutes later, and I turned around to go get him. Getting him ended up setting me back about half an hour in traffic time, which SUCKS ASS. I got home in a rush, and went to get money that my mother had promised me that she would have yesterday, but didn't. And so when I got home at 4:25, and was supposed to meet Clarke at 4:30, things were not going well. I get out and ask where she has put my money, and she tells me she doesn't have any money. This creates a huge argument in which she states that after I graduate, I'm not allowed to live in my house, no matter what. Hurrah for that fun. And then I go to Starbucks to meet Clarke, which is v. fun, and then I go home to get money before meeting Bethany, as I've been told my dad will have money that he will give me when he gets home. I get home, the dad gets home, and he and my mom go for a "talk". Turns out my youngest sister told them I owe her 20 bucks (I don't) and Jess tells them that I owe her at least 140 dollars. WTF? So my parents bitch at me for a good hour or so about how irresponsible I am, and how I will fail in life, and how I am never going to amount to anything. This leads to the fact that I need to get a job, that I'm lazy, that I'd rather spend time with my friends, that I don't care about my family anymore, that I'm not a good sister, that I should be ashamed of myself for asking my sisters for money, etc. etc. And then my dad backs up my mother on my whole being kicked out of the house thing, and then tells me that out of whatever money I receive, I will be paying a portion of it towards my sisters, until my debt to them is repaid. WTF? I have no debt to one of my sisters, and to the other I owe at maximum 50 bucks. 20 for gas the night of Rocky Horror, and 30 for some odds and ends along the way. But not 140. I almost wasn't allowed to go out tonight, and I was told that my friends don't really like me, and that everyone in my house is sick of me. What a joyous occasion. And after the movie, which was great, I'll say it again, I get home, and my dad yells at me because I left one of my friends hanging (?!?!?) and then sends me up to my mom, who complains that I smell of smoke (oh yippee, can't you see me explaining that one?) and then tells me that if I don't shape up and get my act together, they're going to take away my car, too. I don't know how much longer I can handle this. I thought it was going to get better when my dad came home. I was wrong. It got worse.
(Edited to add: My parents also told me that if I get what they consider "poor" grades in college, they will yank me out and refuse to give me room and board.)

Tear drop 11:11 PM of Sarah

And I was nervous about going... ha! I had a wonderful time. Got to Casey's and slipped back into comfortability lickety split, and his friend, Ellery, was actually quite fun to be around. And then we departed for the Cotton Club, and we didn't get lost this time, because Ellery goes to Georgia State, and knows where he's going. We passed the Shakespeare Tavern and the parking lot from hell on the way there, just so all you travelers know. We reached a parking garage, paid, went to the Cotton Club, Casey had forgotten his id to pick up the will-call tickets, and had to run back to the car. We finally got in, got down to the pit area, very near the front, and watched twothirtyeight perform. It was a good set, but kind of boring slowy stuff, and they didn't play my favorite song, Coin Laundry Loser. Damn. Then Beautiful Mistake came on, and I didn't like them at all. One of their singers was an angry screamer, and it was just dreadful to listen to. They had no energy, and it was not so much fun. But then, Elliott came out. Wow. It was a spiritual experience, I must say. I was in awe the whole time, because their songs are so beautiful. But they didn't play my favorite, Calvary Song. What's with that? And then we had to wait freaking forever for Further Seems Forever to get set up. Up until this point, there had been no moshing, we were all standing pretty well spaced out, no problems, you know, and then WHAAM. Further Seems Forever came on (and their entrance was quite awesome) and the crowds zoomed forward. This is my favorite part of the show, getting caught up in the crowds and fighting to maintain balance and singing lyrics at the top of my lungs. And the lead singer - so incredibly hot. Not Chris Carraba, he only did the first album, and then they changed so he could do Dashboard Confessional. I don't know what this guys name is, but he was seriously hot hot hot and had a great voice. The show had tons of energy, it was incredible. At one point, he threw the microphone into the crowd, and I caught it, and the group of people around me sang with me. Too cool. Casey, Ellery, and I had gotten separated at the begining of the set, when the moshing started, and then the crowd surfers started coming in droves, and coming up and leaping back out, and kicking the shit out of everyone in the first few rows of people, myself included. Over the course of the evening, a whole bunch of my hair was torn out (my scalp is sore!), my back was slammed into so many times it feels like raw meat, I was bitten by a crowd surfer, I was kicked in the face twice, and I fell backwards once, landing on my elbow, leaving me with a nastily swollen bruise. Isn't that awesome?!?!?! I'm so excited: war wounds! And Further Seems Forever's set was amazing, their last song was "The Moon is Down" which is very cool, and then they did an encore, but I can't remember what song it was. The night was a success, there's nothing I love more than a good emo punk show (at the moment anyway) and tonight was awesome. Woohoo!

Tear drop 12:45 AM of Sarah

I am sitting in the library, first period, bored to tears, and tired as hell. And hell is pretty goddamn tired, let me tell you. And I want to sleep, but I can't because there are too many loud people here. I should have gone home, just dropped my sisters off and come back later. I mean, Jesus, who was going to know whether or not I came to first period? I had no first period today! No french for me, hurrah, I'm so sick of that class. I hate it with a passion, it is the bane of my existance. And yet I continue to go, day in, day out. Can we start le petit prince? Maybe I'll understand something. And I'm going to ramble on for a bit, so who knows, you might want to leave. Chandler should sleep, he really should. He's going to fall over Thursday night and not wake up until Saturday afternoon. And Kelly, I'm adding your mother's name to the hitlist that Mr. Jones, Bethany, and I are compiling. It's up to two people, currently, but we'll see who else can piss me off. Your mothers a shithead. Enough said. And I'm going to a concert tonight with Casey. Fun? Perhaps - I like three out of the four bands that are playing, but I'm not sure how things are between Casey and me. We never talk to each other, and when we did last night, it was like a huge neon "AWKWARD" sign was flashing between us. Over the phone lines, anyway. And he's bringing Ellery, which may or may not be a good thing. He's supposed to talk to me soon, about everything, but he hasn't, and I don't know what to do, or what to say. It's going to be a very uncomfortable night, I'm sure, with all the awkwardness with Casey and Ellery, and the jostling in the pit, etc. etc. Oh well. What can you do?

Tear drop 8:55 AM of Sarah

OK! I updated the quotes game, and this time, it's all songs. That's right, quotes from SONGS not movies. Play, play, play!

Tear drop 7:36 PM of Sarah

As was previously blogged by a friend of ours, ideas about romance...

:: Saturday, June 08, 2002 ::
Can you have a life full of romance without having a love life?
It would seem, certainly, that at least the reverse is true. It's easy to have a life filled with love, requited or otherwise, and yet - no romance. The Rainmakers, a really killer band that never got the press it deserved, put it, in their song No Romance:
Are you looking for some answers?
Well you've come to the wrong place.
You might find lines but no valentines
Written all over my face.
I won't tell you the rest of the song, but it's really good. They rock. Anyway, Laura and I were discussing the above question, or in other words, I was right and Laura was not yet agreeing with me. And tonight she accused me (via email) of cheating, and considering Romance instead of romance. Which, I would like to say, I am not. It is entirely possible. I told her that romance was more of a will thing. This may not, I submit, be completely true. However, before I lose too much ground...
I am certainly a Romantic, in a sense, but not in the Hawthornian sense. I don't like the Transcendentals, at least not without reserve, because they're too mental for me. Whitman is sort of a straddler of both schools of thought, so I'll steal his philosophy. Anyway, I am also something of a romantic. In The Awakening it is referred to as life's delirium (ding dong, here's a little inside chuckle for anyone who had Ms. H third period), in Small World (methinks), the author describes it as "intensity of experience." There are many eloquent ways to put it. I like to be caught up in things, to be carried away - hint: I'm never nearly as bitter as I make myself out to be. For me, putting romance in my life is as crucial and basic as putting humor in my life, or, at times, drama.
We have feelings, we do things, we write poems, odes, histories, epics, short stories, essays, diatribes, musings, for with and about people we may share romance with, but not be in love with. I guess I'm being selfish, and am using my personal definition of the word as the universal one, but I really don't feel too badly about this. Romance is a harmless thing; love is not.
I may not write anything tomorrow night, so this could be the last one for a bit. Downtown rocks, okay, not great, but being there with my friends was. To me, it's great how when you're out with a bunch of people some night, and it can be a group of people you know well, or sort of a mixed bag, but when everything goes right, for a little while, you can't remember ever being part of another group. Tonight was like that. And last night, so no one get angry. Of course, that means I'm stuck with Garrett for eternity either way, but hey, that's okay, until the day he does get sick of my insults and bashes my face in.
God, it's like I'm dying. 7 weeks. And it's so stupid, because I'm going to have email and all that crap at GHP so really not all that much will change. It will be a lot harder on me than on any of you. You guys, when you're doing stuff, can just pretend it's one of those nights that I blew you off because I wasn't feeling social. Me, completely different ballgame. But I'm going to have a wonderful time, learning and being flogged by the American Legion and whatnot.
This is the advice you are getting in my last (or possibly penultimate, who knows) entry.
Materialism is shit. Fair enough, we all know, or at least claim to understand that. But it's important, because the world and life are too beautiful and precious to be ruined not only by materialism, but all superficial concerns and petty concerns. If you don't like a person, what good is it doing anyone? Talk to someone, and don't think about your face, or your clothes, or their face, or their clothes. Talk to them and be with them and laugh with them and be silent with them. Understand then the ultimate uselessness of the body, and be so that you have breathed in every lingering trace of their existence and cease to suffer alone. Everyone knows how to experience love; it requires more wisdom to know how to hurt. Surround yourself with the intangibles, and life will cast off its knighted cloak.
That is your moment of zen. You may find it useless, I don't care. I feel this way tonight, and I want to remember it.
I will miss you most of all.
:: Daniel Glenn 1:05 AM [+] ::



Tear drop 5:50 PM of Sarah

Ok, we're going to play a little game. 3,000 cool points to the person who can tell me who said this:
Understand then the ultimate uselessness of the body, and be so that you have breathed in every lingering trace of their existence and cease to suffer alone.
Have fun with that.

Tear drop 8:52 PM of Sarah

Tonight is perfect for curling up with a really good book - and by tonight, I mean 12:30. AGGGGGH. Scratch that whole book thing. My GRANDPARENTS, the ones I cannot stand, the perfect people who wouldn't let my mother go to Stanford on a full fucking scholarship, are coming down for Spring Break. To ruin my life. Hallelujah, mother, great planning. I hate my mother. Now she's trying to guilt trip me. I said, Mom, it's my fucking senior year. And she replies, did you ever stop to think it might be their last year on Earth? Goddamn my mother! I hate her so much, all she ever does is put me down, nothing I do is ever good enough, my 9000 dollar scholarship is not enough, my grades are not enough, my life is not enough, my weight is too much, I can never be good enough for her. Apparently, I'm a selfish bitch, who never thinks of anyone except herself, and that I should be thinking about the wellbeing of my grandparents, but maybe, just maybe, they might not give a rats ass about me, as I obviously don't give a shit about them. Why does she do this to me? Try to guilt trip me into this shit. My grandparents are worse than my mother - I'm not as smart as my mother, not as dedicated, not half as pretty, not half as polite, and when my mother was my age, she could do a trillion more things than I can do now, and will probably ever do in my life. I am constantly picked on by her and her family - you know why you never get a guy Sarah? Perhaps its because you're too fucking fat. Just maybe. Or, or, you know why you can't apply to any of the really smart Ivy League colleges, Sarah? Because you're not dedicated enough, and you're not even smart enough to begin with. Our family has been going to Ivy League colleges since we moved over here on the Mayflower, and you've let us down. You were supposed to be the smart one. And now, it will be so much fun, because they hate my father, and will rip him to shreds for not having a job, AGAIN. My mother will be picked apart, too, but she'll pretend that she's enjoying it. I have to get out. NOW.

Tear drop 12:34 AM of Sarah

Today was one of the worst days of the year. So I left my cell phone at Steak'n'Shake last night, and didn't realize it until this morning. So I go to Steak'n'Shake afterschool, and they tell me they have no idea what I'm talking about. In a state of panic, I drive to Ian's, and cry. Ian then convinces me to go back to Steak'n'Shake, where we look through the booth crevices, and then speak with a waitress from Russia, who is sympathetic to my plight. She then refers me to our waiter from the night before, who had not been there the first time, who said that he found my phone, and gave it to the night manager. They checked the safe, checked the drawer, nothing doing, so he says, come backc at 11, that's when he'll be here. So I go to Casey's show, get blown off so that he can go karaokiing with the cast, and drive to Steak'n'Shake at 11, to retrieve my phone, only to find out that the man I came to see, would not be in until 12. So then I decided, as I had not eaten since 7:15 this morning, to grab some food at the McDonalds on 9. So I'm driving over to 9, and I take the shortcut from the QT to 9, and as I'm pulling out, this IDIOT girl comes and stops right in front of me, trying to turn left onto the street I'm on, and refuses to move. So I've got two lanes of oncoming traffic FLIPPING OUT and driving, and I have nowhere to go, so I back up at 80 miles an hour, and hurl curse words at her, as she does the requisite "whaat?" So then I get tothe McDonalds, whose lights are still on, but the doors are all locked, so no food. Around this time, my headache starts to build. It's a migraine, for sure. Then I decide, well, I'll just find people, as I know they've been out having fun tonight. First place that comes to mind? Jason's. So I head over there, to find no one home, and then drive back to the Steak'n'Shake, where I sit in the parking lot for 20 minutes and talk to Bethany. At midnight, I enter, and the guy says my phone is at home in his coat pocket, and that he had sent someone to get it, and that it would be there in 5 minutes. Now, at this point, I had already lied about going karaokiing with Casey and the cast, and being home 15 minutes late, so that I could get my goddamn phone at midnight, but no. The phone does not arrive until 12:21 am, exactly. And then I go home. My head hurts, I am exhausted, and I want to kill people. On top of everything else, guess who I saw in one of the booths at Steak'n'Shake while awaiting my phone? The same girl who almost got me killed turning left onto 9.

Tear drop 1:01 AM of Sarah