Okaysies, I'm at school after a 13 hour car trip (shoot me, shoot me now) and am without cell phone until Ian and Chandler fedex mine to me. So. If you have anything of dire importance to actually talk with me about, please call: 434 381 6101 ext. 4200 . Okay? Thanks. And please call. I get bored a lot, but don't know how to check my messages here.

Tear drop 11:20 PM of Sarah

I just realized how much I rely on my cell phone. What brought about this realization? The fact that I left it in Tallahassee, and have been scrambling trying to a) hide this fact from my mother, who will go apeshit, b) try to get in touch with my ride back to Sweet Briar (and I can't) and c) get in touch with people who live in my own fucking town and I have been friends with for a billion years, and yet only know their phone numbers by the punch of a button in a phone book. So yeah, not having a phone kind of sucks. Especially when I'm not sure how I'm going to get home anymore, since no one is answering their phones up and down the east coast. I even yahoo white paged people, and they aren't answering their numbers. I've left messages. Obsessive messages. I call my friend Fallon's cell phone every half hour. And... no answer. I'm so fucked. I need to take control of my life!

Tear drop 5:16 PM of Sarah

I left Virginia at 3 o'clock Friday afternoon to be accosted by the following problems: we were almost out of gas, we were hungry, and we had a flat tire. Excellent. As we hit the North Carolina/South Carolina border, I realize that we're running about an hour and a half late, and so decide to call Ross to make sure he knows to pick me up later. Yeah. So his cell phone, at the request of the recipient, is not accepting any incoming calls. So I think, okay, strange, maybe his ex is bugging him? And call 411 to get the number for the address he gave me. 411 says that address doesn't exist.

At this point I'm in Columbia, SC, and crying. Call Ian. No help. Call Chandler, who is DRUNK, who gets a kid he met that night to come and pick me up at a point two and a half hours away from FSU. Chandler totally saved my ass, and I am completely beholden to him for the rest of my life. We end up getting back to FSU at 7:30 in the morning, and crash until 4:00, when we go to Chad's film rehearsal, and then bum around for a little while, get Schlotzky's, play Monopoly with Jason (the kid who came to pick me up) and then return to the dorm at like 12:00.

So Chad and I sleep and get up at 4:30 in the morning and go to the set for the movie he's in, and spend from 6:00 to 12:00 filming a movie. Yeah I was an extra! I got to look bored. Woo.

Am now really pissed off at Ross, as has not called, and if I knew how to use Photoshop, I would put little devil horns and grafitti on the picture below, but I don't. So imagine it. Okay?


Tear drop 5:16 PM of Sarah

Ross is the one with red hair. Yay!

Tear drop 8:25 PM of Sarah

My friend Fallon received this in her email today:

REMEMBER ONE THING : Never give up on your dreams.

People who go to college are incredible. We go to classes. We
read and absorb and are comprehensively tested on heavy amounts of
various materials. We sleep very little. We drink ourselves into
oblivion. We kill ourselves with several types of smoke. We cough and
keep sneezing. Someone is always sick. Someone is always complaining.
We become attached to close friends. We smother each other. We lean too
much, but our friends don't mind. We think often of the past and want to
go back. We know we cannot, and soon we won't want to. We all had
separate lives, families, backgrounds and pasts. We live totally
different from how we used to live. We are frustrated and sometimes want
to give up, but we never stop trying, and our friends won't let us. We
disregard health. We eat awful foods. We are forced to think about the
future. We are scared and confused. We reach out for things, yet we
don't find them. We try to sort out our minds, which are filled with
studies, worries, problems, memories, emotions--powerful feelings. We
wander the campus looking for happiness, which can be found in a friend's
smile. We hurt--a lot, but a friend always tries to take the hurt away.
We keep going, though, because above all else, we never stop learning,
growing, changing, and most important dreaming. Dreams keep us going and
they always will. All we can do is be thankful that we have something to
hold onto, like dreams and each other.

** PASS IT ON TO THOSE YOU CONSIDER YOUR FRIEND

Tear drop 11:37 PM of Sarah

McDonald's Breakfast is now on the NO list. Today I was blessed with the misfortune of getting FOOD POISONING for the third time since I've arrived at school. Yay, what fun for me.
Also, on the drive back from the elementary school, I tried to put a cigarette out the window, and endured the joy of the cigarette blowing back through the window, landing inside my shirt, and traveling all the way down my back and into my pants; burning me on its entire trip.

So I decided to fuck class for this morning, and go back to bed.

Tear drop 10:28 AM of Sarah

It took a while, but when their numbers decreased from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect Hungry.

Tear drop 11:10 PM of Sarah

I have come to the conclusion that Chuck Palahniuk is a massively fucked up individual.

End Blog.

Tear drop 2:47 PM of Sarah

AHHHHHH! My dad might be getting a new job - they're opening up a bookstore on campus in Athens, and he's first in line to get the job, as long as the college is okay with it. Which they better be. Which means mes parentals will be getting a new car, for the dad to drive up to Athens in, woo! Which means that plans should be fine for my trip to Tampa/Tallahassee. The Dad has approved, so long as he has a job and a car by then, which he thinks will be peachy. Because if he doesn't have a job, he doesn't need a car, so I can take Lola, and if he does have a job, he will immediately buy the car he's been eyeing for four or five months now, which means I can take Lola. YAY!

Boys, it's not definite definite, but it looks good, so keep your fingers crossed!

Thanks for the info and encouragement - and Michelle, I am signed up to take a tech theater class next semester (making it 22 hours, instead of the wonderful 19) so that should look good, oui?

Am at work, the boss has not been here all day, and locked me out so I had to run up to campus safety and grab the extra key. Did all my homework, and am now bored bored bored. Sidenote: do NOT take Nyquil unless you have a full 10 hours of sleep to use it on, because it will pass you the fuck out. Oh my god, I've never slept better, but I've never been to the point where people have come into my room, yelled at me, pulled me, and couldn't wake me up. I was OUT.

And stress schedule is being somewhat more organized, as film project is not due until after Thanksgiving break. Wundebar!

Tear drop 6:17 PM of Sarah

Update:
Ross (hot gay guy) turns out to be nineteen, 20 on February 14th (awww), a hairdresser from South Tampa, and very funny. Had fun conversation with him for over an hour last night while he was driving home from Sweet Briar, and both have invited each other to come visit. So am now learning to how to dance (make all the jokes you want) for my trip to South Tampa which begins the Saturday of my Thanksgiving break, in which I'll spend Saturday thru Tuesday with Ross, drive up to Tallahassee and pick up Chad and Ian, and come back to the great ATL on Wednesday. Funfun. Hope the parents go for it.

Am sick sick sick with a massive cold that is affecting my whole dorm - the entire freshman class is down for the count.

Need some advice. Have been asked if I would mind stage managing next semester's plays. Let's get a show of hands: how many people think that I can pull it off? Okay, now that no hands have been raised, I want to do it. Really. But I need advice on how to do this. Mic, I am looking at you, though I don't know if you even read this. Jason, Daniel, Clarke, everyone in drama, really... HELP. I'm a newbie. God help me.

Finally read the DaVinci Code and loved it, and am writing my final paper for my essay class on religion - wow. Kinda weird, huh?

Saw Pirates of the Carribbean for the eighth time tonight, and I must say that I enjoyed it just as much as I did times 2 - 7. Time one was more phenomenal because it was the first time, yadda yadda yadda. However, brought back more feelings of nostalgia for this summer, which seem to be coming more and more frequently lately, along with the wondering of how things are going to be when we return home. All I know is that I need a break from school. No more work! None!

Fin.

Tear drop 11:03 PM of Sarah

I made out with a 23 year old gay man who has a tongue ring! Twice! Ahhhh!

Tear drop 5:45 PM of Sarah

It's so strange to think that about six months ago, we were all racing around Alpharetta going out to eat, watching Equilibrium, and then waiting in line for the Matrix:Reloaded. It's strange to think that six months ago I got into some freak car thing that changed the rest of my summer. Six months ago we were all so secure in our friendship, and our weekly and daily outings. Nothing could phase us, nothing could stop us. We were invincible, racing off into the night, in more ways than one. And now, six months later, we are all at different schools, some of us rarely have enough time or money to go out to eat, there are no houses to camp out and party at, and we are all watching the Matrix Revolutions in different states, or wishing we were watching it, anyway. No one was willing to go see it on a Wednesday night with me, here, and I don't have a car, so... I have to wait until Sunday. SUNDAY! When I will see it by myself.

It's so strange how movies can have such an impact on your life and how you remember things. Whenever someone mentions the Ring, I start thinking about the night of my freak-out; whenever someone mentions Resident Evil, I think of my New Year's Eve. Watching Friends reminds me of Ian, Chandler and I staying over at each other's houses and watching Season Three. Empire Records and Breakfast Club need no explanation... :) . I think that I can mark some major milestones in my life just by what movie I was watching during the event, or before or after.

I guess movies work the same way as songs - some songs will be forever stuck in your memory as, "that song we jammed to in Drew's car on Jason's birthday" or "the song Chandler and Ian danced to and scared the crap out of the two Sara's one night at my pool." Whenever I hear Breakfast at Tiffany's by Deep Blue Something, or Anywhere You Go, by the Gin Blossoms, I think of the day in 5th grade when my friends and I were all late coming back from a field trip performance choir rehearsal, and jumped out of my mom's van screaming the lyrics and running down the hall.

Our memories have become pop culture icons - the songs, movies, books, tv shows, and trivial knowledge we hold in our heads are all tied to memories and great events. They become permanently tied to our lives, getting themselves under our skin, and completing our thoughts. Few people throughout history marked great events in their lives by the days Beethoven's symphonies were first performed, or the day the Mona Lisa went on exhibit. It all started with our parents, I suppose - the 50's and 60's, the war and the protests, free love, and the music that went right along with it. With the pop culture explosion came the memory banks that were inevitably tied to them. And when we look back thirty years from now, we will see what our parents see: their favorite movies becoming "classics," their songs becoming "oldies," and their generation being bashed for being so strange.

Weird to think about, huh.

Tear drop 11:23 PM of Sarah

AHHHHHH! I am so happy! I've been doing a little happy dance for about 5 hours now. I got an A+. From a teacher who doesn't give A+'s. On an ESSAY. A personal essay. That I freaked out about. I have been trying to get her to like my writing for so long, and I've gotten A's, but this is the first and only A+ she's given out all semester. I am in shock. Going to go happy dance some more and do Italian flashcards.

BTW, my Italian teacher has decided to overlook 5 of my 6 absences and just count me absent once, so that my grade doesn't go down, and I don't get in trouble with the dean's office. Halle-fucking-lujah!

And my Ed. teacher sent me a condolence card, and extended the deadline on my lesson plan by a WEEK!

And my boss at the bookshop told me to take the day off (with pay) so that I could catch up from stuff I missed this week.

These people are awesome.

Off to watch Chariots of Fire for film... woo!

Registration is Friday... must rearrange schedule, because want to take class that analyzes Shakespeare in Film today... such as the Baz's Romeo and Juliet, and Branagh's Hamlet, and all sorts of good things. Yay!
Oooooh fun classes.


Tear drop 6:47 PM of Sarah

Okay, so, now for the retraction.

I meant what I said earlier, because I really don't understand why we put everyone through so much pain, even unintentionally, even when people do something and it strikes us wrong because of everything else wrong in the world. But the thing is, I let the bad rule my life, instead of allowing the good in, and when the good goes away, it gets even worse. And last night and most of today just sucked, and I was so upset that I didn't want anything else to do with the world because I couldn't stand the idea of getting hurt again. I was set to block out everyone who I didn't have to see on a day to day basis, and was going to pretty much block them out, too, as much as I could. But here's the thing.

Would you rather feel nothing, or have happiness, as long as you had the pain, too?

And I'm thinking that feeling nothing would start to suck after a while, and I would want to be happy again, and be with my friends and family and people I love; and as much as you try to block those things out to save yourself, they're quintessential to life. Without love and pain, you would be bland, and who wants that? To live life is the greatest adventure, right? And in order for it to be adventurous and spontaneous, you have to be willing to accept the bad with the good, no matter how much it may hurt. Yes, there is always the chance that you will get hurt, that something will go wrong, that some tears will be spilled along the line, numerous times. But if you focus on that, you leave out all of the laughter and the togetherness, and all of the kisses, the hugs, the high-fives, and the friendship that you need. You leave out movies and trips to the park, sitting in the hall consciously not doing your homework, and everything else that causes the pain to go away, or at least dim in importance.

So today has taught me a few things. First, that I say "so" quite a bit. But I've learned that I have to let go of my focus on the bad, and put that behind the good. It will hurt more, and cause more of an impact, of course, but if I ever want to be truly happy, I have to accept the pain. I've also learned that I'm incredibly weak in my resolve, or that I'm wrong a lot, take your pick, because all it took was a phone call from Sara Beverly to fix things, and make me realize I was being stupid. I have to remember the good times with my grandmother, all of the things she taught me, and all of the stories she told me. When I walk into her house on Monday, I have to remember all of the times that I spent playing cards, watching my cousins, having talks, eating southern food, and being educated in the southern manner of things. I have to remember the love. Of course it hurts that she is gone, but if I focus on that, I'll never be able to move on and devote my energy to finding happiness and loving other people. I would be stymied. And I don't want to live a life without happiness and love, because, "Love is like oxygen! Love is a many splendored thing! Love lifts us up where we belong! All you need is love!" And maybe he's right. Maybe all we need is love to lift us through the bad - the love of our friends, our families, and our significant and not so significant others. Without them, life would be meaningless.

Without all of you, life would be meaningless.

I take back what I say about not wanting to talk to anyone. I want to accept all of the stupid things we all do and say, and move on, and know that this can't happen right now, or that he or she didn't do this on purpose, and be somewhat okay with that. Okay enough to keep on living.

Please disregard what I said earlier, and chalk it up to the fact that I was alone and afraid and extremely sad. Know that I could never willingly cut any of you out of my life - I mean, look how long I lasted this time. A few hours. Being alone, cooped up with yourself and your thoughts when you're upset is not a good thing my friends, so avoid it at all costs. Live life. Love.

Call me, four in the morning, whatever!

"I know I'll see you again, whether far or soon. But I need you to know that I care, and I miss you. I miss you."

Tear drop 11:26 PM of Sarah

I need to step back from everything. What’s the point in loving people if all they do is leave you, if all the world is one big letdown. People leave, people lie, we are full of deceit, and we hurt so many people, and in the end, why isn’t it just better to step back and take it all away, and just exist on your own, no one else watching or caring. Because then you wouldn’t be filled with wracking sobs when you get the news at 1:30 in the morning that someone has died, even though you knew she was dying, knew that she wasn’t going to make it. Because then when you talk to someone you don’t get incredibly confused because he or she hurts you on seemingly on purpose, even though you hope that they wouldn’t; ever. I mean, you see people go through it all the time, and when they are happy, you’re incredibly jealous, but when they get hurt, you wonder, why bother? What is the point in setting yourself up to be close to someone so that you can be resigned to second fiddle, so that you can be filled with agony when they are gone. People are cruel, terrible things and even through all of our loving and our kind acts, we still hurt people in the end, oh we inflict incredible amounts of pain on people. People we claim to love – and not just on the true love level, not right now, but love as in people, as in friends, as in family. Because people lie, and people hurt, and people show up with random pictures of girls you’re pretending to care about, and put them in places where you’re not really supposed to say anything about it. And I know I’m going overboard here, I know it, but I don’t care. Because right now I don’t want to be connected to anyone, not my sisters, not my parents, no one in the entire world. Because I don’t want to have to feel anymore hurt. I don’t want to have to cry for anyone again. Because losing people is something I have become quite proficient at, and I would rather cut that trend right now than have it keep going and keep finding new people to love. Simon and Garfunkel said it best.

If I never loved, I never would have cried.

I could do without the tears, thanks. And this is just a phase, everybody knows that I rely too much on peoples acceptance of me to function fully without a single living soul at my side, and I’m sorry that I’m being mean, and I’m sorry that I’m hurting, but I swear that I’ll try to make this the last time I inflict hurt, especially on anyone of you. Because I love you all. And cutting myself off from you, making it so that I can’t hurt anymore than I already do, that’s the only way I see out of it. I’m sorry.


Tear drop 3:03 PM of Sarah

Hey guys. My grandmother died at 1:30 this morning, so I'll be going home for a few days and not online. Give me a call if you like, or whatever. I know our group isn't one for a whole lot of religion, me included, but if you guys could just pray for her if you want to pray, or just think about something, or even just remember your own grandparents, it would mean a lot to me. I know this is sappy, but I'm really at a loss for words, so I'm just going to let it be.

Happy Halloween.

Tear drop 2:46 PM of Sarah