sigh the witchy woman
she has wandered and she’s calling
and she’s fallen fallen fallen
away without a trace
no more disgust left on her face
she has no more left to give
she has given all she’s got

and she’s crying searching screaming
for some truth hidden in his meaning
and still she’s tumbling downward
unable to make it stop
she has given all she’s got
she’s got nothing left to lose
all his words are high above her
as she tumbles tumbles further
and her mystery seems stolen
a shadow that she’s clasping
in the blackness of her well
it is her torch without a light

who will stop her falling
if she doesn’t start to calling
for some hand hiding in the shadows
to reach down and grab her out?
her white dress is flowing flowing
and her hair is streaming up
and her eyes are closed quite tight
so she can understand where she’s going
she’s leaving it all behind
a well inside her mind
and she is having trouble breathing
through the mist of this deceiving
and when she hits the bottom
will she ever make it out?


Tear drop 11:30 PM of Sarah

I just wrote my first senior letter. I poured 5 years of friendship into two pages, single spaced, size 12 font. You have no idea absolutely how much I hurt right now - there is a deep ache in my chest that I can't place, because it's not the ache I get when I find out something bad, or something awful about love or one of my friends - it's a different kind of ache, a melancholy ache. How can I pour those years of friendship into a two page letter, and say, this is it, this is your send off, this is my last hurrah. We'll see each over the summer, but when you leave, this is what you'll take with you. How can you DO that? I don't understand. I don't WANT to send off letters of last-hurrahs - the year is not over yet, I still have four goddamn months with you people, I'm not ready to start letting go. Do you hear me? This is NOT working out well of my psyche! Sean and I moved here on almost exactly the same day in the summer before 8th grade, and we've been friends ever since. We have so many memories, so many dramatic, traumatic moments, and so many spastic, happy, freak out moments, that I hardly knew where to begin when writing his letter. And now, typing this, I'm thinking of a billion more things I want to put into his letter, so many more things that I want to mention. I don't know how many different ways that I can tell him I love him, that he has meant so much to me for so long, and I can't wait to find each and every way and dump it into that letter. He is so much a part of me that it's almost unbearable to think of letting him go off to Florida while I go to Sweet Briar. And writing all of your letters - will be so incredibly sad for me. I've spent more time with you people in the past 6 months than I've spent with anyone else - you dominate my time, but you do it lovingly, amusingly. You are laughter and joy personified - my clique, my niche, the group of people I want never to be without. How am I supposed to start saying good-bye to you people? I can't, it's too soon. It took me three years to find you, and now you want me to start saying good-bye? I don't THINK SO. But I'll write you all letters anyway, and I do mean all. If you're not sure, ask me. In all likelihood, you're getting a letter. Even the juniors. Especially the juniors. Especially everyone.

Tear drop 11:08 PM of Sarah

Who is Gore Verbinski?

Tear drop 12:26 AM of Sarah

I went almost one year without an accident. One fucking year. I wasn't supposed to drive, that wasn't the plan. And my mother has harped on that, believe me. And I hit him, hit him royally, its amazing he wasn't hurt. And I had to call my mom at 2 o'clock in the morning to come to the scene. And the cops came. And now it's 3:40 in the morning, and it has been one of the worst nights of my life. And I have to pay for everything. I don't have a job. If I can't come up with the money, my parents will take it ouf of my college tuition. And if they take too much out, then I can't go to Sweet Briar. Which means I can't go to college until at least spring semester of next year, because I never actually applied to UGA. So I'm fucked. I'm not allowed to do anything, go anywhere. That concert I was so crazed about? Not happening. Black Comedy? I'll never see it, after everything that has gone on. No more walks. No more running out to do silly little things. I'm trapped.

Tear drop 3:40 AM of Sarah

The Friedman assignment sucks a nut. Quite possibly both. Argh. Argh. Argh. Ah, the days of Red Bull and Coke until four in the morning have returned... I missed them so much!

Tear drop 11:41 PM of Sarah

Hey all you Friedmanites! As you know, we have an Allusion Final on the 28th - let's get together on the 27th at some point to have a studyfest. Okay? Leave comments with time things.

Tear drop 3:09 PM of Sarah

YAY! I'm going to the Ataris/Juliana Theory/Further Seems Forever concert next Thursday. I am so completely excited! This is going to ROCK my FACE off, because its three of my absolute favorite bands. Wow. And Jason Gleason = majorly hot. An added bonus! And since that Friday is Six Flags day, I can sleeep all I want to in class because all of the brilliant people are going bye-bye! Woohoo! Yay for being un-brilliant!

Tear drop 4:36 PM of Sarah

Fuck trying to live up to teacher's expectations, and fuck teachers who expect less than you can offer. No one wins in either situation.

Tear drop 11:39 PM of Sarah

So, while watching golf today on TV with the grandparents, my grandmother mentions that my school is host to one of the top 25 high school golf players in the nation. That intrigued me, since I didn't know. So I look up the golf team in the yearbook, and sure enough, it's Roberto Castro. So I go online to learn about it, because, hell, he sits right next to me in Biology and I didn't know this, and as I'm looking things up, I see names that look familiar. Zack Siefert, the boy whom I spent 6th and 7th grades crushing on in Greenville, SC. Zack Moran, the boy who lived in Taylors, near Stacy, who was the last "real" boyfriend. So I start looking up info on these people, people I haven't seen or heard from since I moved at the end of 7th grade. It was amazing how much they've stayed the same, yet how much they've changed at the same time. After I got through looking at the golf boys, I checked out all of the high school webpages for the places where my friends had gone. Mauldin - where I was supposed to go, housed all of my very best friends and their athletic glories. JL Mann was the place where all of my smart friends had gone, and Hillcrest High School formed the middling ground between the two. WOW. I looked up my friend, Erin Brister, my first friend in South Carolina. We share the same birthday - she's got a full scholarship to some sweet school for playing soccer. I looked at her picture on her soccer page - she looks exactly the same, older, goofy; she looks like a punk that I would be friends with today, had I still lived there. We played soccer together for a while, until I got hit in the face and nearly broke my nose and developed a huge fear of playing goalie... But wow. I got out all of my old yearbooks and saw who had gotten into Who's Who, and NHS, and Beta Club, and all of this crazy other stuff. It's interesting how you can let go of your past so quickly, but when you're least expecting it, it will come right up to you and bite you in the ass, saying remember me? Remember how life was? Remember all of your friends? I wonder what life would be like had I never moved away - I'd probably still be swimming competitively, I'd be in the top 10% at the school, have a really high SAT in comparison to my classmates (I saw their listings online.... interesting...) I'd be living in hell, all the while pretending that Stacy Jones and Celia Ruffolo were still my best friends, and I didn't mind when they made fun of me. Yeah. Glad I moved.

Tear drop 3:06 AM of Sarah

And another one...
"I gave her my heart. She gave me a pen..." - Say Anything.

Tear drop 12:03 AM of Sarah

My heart is on the floor...
So. Everyone already knows what happened today, so I'm not going to go into the gory details, I just wish that things could be good, you know? I felt like I was in a movie, I was really, really hoping I could have that Hollywood ending. But whateva. Here are some quotes to get me through life...

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its.... broken." - Grosse Pointe Blanke
"You can't give yourself, absolutely to someone else..." - Lisa Loeb "Do You Sleep?"
Yeah... that's all I can come up with. And in the words of Sara Beverly, "I am NOT a consolation prize!"

On the other hand, Amy's blog produced these gems, though I'm not sure where they're from:

"This too shall pass, and all of the words we said, we can't take back."

"The agony and the irony, they're killing me."

"I never wanted it to hurt more than it should. I hope your satisfied, I never could."

Voila. J'ai fini.

Tear drop 11:22 PM of Sarah

Fucked six ways from Sunday
So, my grandparents aren't coming tomorrow, they're coming Monday. Which is good, I guess, and good news should follow, right? But no. Spring break is fucked over for me, because they are staying until SATURDAY. And Adam's parents aren't going out of town, which means I can't live there for the week. But I'm not saying that because I'm mad that they're not leaving, that's completely going to come out wrong, but it just means that I won't be able to get away from my grandparents. At all. Yippee.

Tear drop 10:49 PM of Sarah

Poetry can suck it...
Yay Daniel getting into Brown. I hate this poetry project, I hate it with a passion. I only have one left, and I just can't bring myself to react. It's like all of the react has been zapped out of my body. I bought a prom dress! It's beautiful, and if I described it, it would sound hideous, but it's gorgeous. And I'm not going to post it on here because the boy can't see the dress before the dance. My mother filled me in on that little bit of superstition. Anyway, it's beautiful and I'm in love with it. Yay! So I didn't post this last week, but I told a lot of you - I got another scholarship from Sweet Briar, meaning that they're giving me a total of 13,000 dollars a year to go there. I know that's just beans compared to Ali Musto, but I'm excited. That's more than half my education! And... something else good happened, I swear. I don't know. Leave me a note with something good that happened. Everybody!

Tear drop 10:33 PM of Sarah

Someone please fast forward me...
Ok. I need a break. I need out. I really, really, really want it to be Spring fucking Break, so that I can hightail it over to Adam's and just sleep and hang out, and not have to deal with my mom. Note to friends: prom dress shopping = bad for self-esteem. Anyway, I can't take all of this work! What's with this? Granted, I put most of it on myself, but why did I do this in the first place? Four AP's? Gaah! Mmmm and the new rule on skipping is (Nick and I worked this out this afternoon) I can skip 3 class periods from now until AP tests (not including AP testing days) and it doesn't count if I'm genuinely, truly ill. And I can never, ever, EVER, miss second period again. Ever. So that's the ruling... no more yelling! No more interventions! Deal with it, biotches! Thanks for letting me rant... I'll be good, I promise. Moe's was good. I am tired. I should do work... byeee!

Tear drop 9:21 PM of Sarah