He let me down. He promised he was going to be here for something important, and then he says he can't come. He PROMISED he would go to Homecoming with me, said he already had the plane ticket. He promised. And then he has his MOM call me to tell me that she got the dates wrong, because he was too chicken to do it himself. This all happened while i was on my CELL PHONE, in the middle of MHS parking lot, after guard practice, at like 9 something at night. So I got out of the car, walked towards the door, and there comes Paul. And I see him, and I crumple, and he lets me cry on him for a good while, and I stain his shirt with mascara. And then I walk inside to try and find Vinny, because Vinny was going to ask me, and that would be fun, to go with him again, especially now that we know each other. And I run into Oupei in the hall, and he asks me what's wrong, and I cry some more. And then Bronwyn, Casey's ex-girlfriend, comes up and asks what's wrong. So I tell her, and then her boyfriend gives me a high-five, and I go to find Vinny, but Vinny is not there. It has been one of the worst days ever. I'm sorry Drew, I know it's your birthday, but that has been the only good thing about the day. I just want this to be over. And Amy is making a get-over-it mix, and my thumb is encased in an ice pack, because I killed it TWICE tonight, and I'm still crying, and I'm going to hire Adam as a hit man, paying him with packs of Winterfresh (and/or) cinnamon gum.

Tear drop 9:39 PM of Sarah

Here's what I'm thinking:

We should somehow steal Friedman's assignment board, because hell week is not at all cool.

Hamlet, while a great play, is not worthy of the energy I just put into writing a mediocre paper.

Teachers should realize that his or her class is not the only class in the world.

Daniel Glenn should restart his blog because it made me laugh a LOT.

Squirrel should be a member of the blog circle.

Birthdays should happen whenever one is feeling down.

I should be Winterguard captain.

Madame Cline should speak to us in a language other than French.

I should have an A in Stats.

Tear drop 11:37 PM of Sarah

I had a really good conversation with my dad tonight about creationism vs. evolutionism, and he proposed a theory that I think is pretty cool, and could be true. As we know, a lot of people take the Bible as THE source. There is no room for interpretation in its pages. But here's the theory. Suppose that God decided to speak with you today. And he was going to explain something about how he created the world. Well, with our limited knowledge of math, science, quantum physics, etc. we could only grasp small portions of what he said, and so, he would break things down into laymen's terms. Now say that God decided to speak to Abraham. He would have had to break things down even further for him, because they didn't HAVE quantum physics, math, and science back then. He would have made Abraham's brain explode. So he told Abraham all of this stuff in simple terms, not explaining how he did it, pulling things together, etcetera, just saying that it was done. In doing this, he left out any room for the ideas of math and science, etc, that he could have used to pull all of this energy together. And he said he did these things in days. Who knows how long days were then? And who knows if the storytellers got it right, and it wasn't years, millenium, etc. That would explain a lot of the aging cycles here on grand old Earth. So if you think about it this way, evolutionism could in fact be creationism in a more detailed manner. But would people accept that? That's the question. I don't believe in organized religion, and I'm not too sure if I believe in half the stuff the Bible tells me is true. But I believe in God. That said, I think that these interpretations could be correct. People just have to be willing to be open to ideas, because when you are close minded, things are said that hurt other people. I still stand on a LOT of the stuff that I said in Bethany's and Nick's comments. I'm not going to retract any of those statements, just hope that my additions help to show that I'm not really a bad person, nor do I believe that I am better than anyone.

Tear drop 1:00 AM of Sarah

I just read Good Omens, the book that Nick is constantly quoting from. It's really entertaining, but at the same time it worries me. How odd it feels to be reading a book about the Apocalypse when humanity might cease to exist as a result of Bush's declaration of war against Iraq? I have been fearing this ever since I first saw Saddam Hussein's picture on the cover of a magazine when I was a little kid. I don't understand why a man can be like that. I really, really don't want to go to war with anyone. I don't want to have the threat of biological or nuclear weapons hanging over my head, I don't want to become another Vietnam generation. I don't want boys I know going off to war, especially people like Bob Beverly, Ben Botzong, Mike Augustyn and Daren Knarich, who enlisted in some form or fashion as their college career. I wonder what Serkie's talking about to her classes. Last year we spent weeks discussing 9/11, just watching the news and discussing it over and over. We thought that of all the years to happen, at least we had Serkie to explain everything. And this year, if we go to war with Iraq, then the juniors will have Serkie. I wonder what kind of interesting facts she's told them. I miss that class a lot, and I have a feeling I would feel either infinitely better or infinitely worse based on what she told us in class. Ms. Crockett would never discuss this in class. Why war, why now? Is the whole Bush family just out to get Hussein? Hussein embarrassed Bush 1, so now Dubya (aka Bush 2) is trying to restore his papa's good name? What's up with that! What do you guys think. Are we ready for war? What will happen if we go to war?

Tear drop 12:10 AM of Sarah

Jennifer Love Hewitt is next-to-naked on the cover of my Rolling Stone. I feel next to naked, sitting here in front of my computer, staring at my buddy list, thinking, "IM me, IM me, IM me" because I know he's there. I can see the name that identifies the good nights, for some reason it's lit up in yellow highlighter, and I can only sit here and stare at it. I feel so vulnerable right now, because I feel like everything is riding on these moments I spend uncourageous enough to IM him instead, and apolagize for the three zillionth time. I don't know what to do when we've fought like this, normally I just come online, click on his name, and yabber away. But perhaps that's what makes him mad - the fact that I just yabber away. He told me I ask too many questions, that I never listened, that I wouldn't ever understand. I want to listen to him, I don't mean to ask too many questions, and I try to understand. Nothing works out on the bad nights, inevitably, it turns worse. And so when I decide to IM him, I'm always risking another battle that I'll lose. But now, the battle has turned, and we are on even ground. Perhaps things will be good, as his name indicates, and perhaps we will tarnish another good beginning. Who knows?


Tear drop 11:50 PM of Sarah

My friends are amazing. Seriously, I think you are all the coolest people I've ever met in my entire life. You are way, way, too funny. And I think I may die of laughter before college crisis really ensues (because I had a fun conversation along the lines of Ash's conversation with my dad tooday) but not until after homecoming, because guess which amazing, wonderful, fabulous, amusing, and never moody Albuquerquean is coming to be my date? Guess, just guess! Not the one I had a major fight with last night, not the one whom I'm afraid might hate me forever. Nope, it's CASEY. He saves my butt all the time. He is too cool. Chalk another one up on the cool friends board. I like this whole feeling of accomplishment I got when I finished some of this weeks homework early. I did not like not seeing a single friend all weekend. Alas, I get to see all you non-Jews tomorrow morning, bright and early. Yippee!

Tear drop 1:15 AM of Sarah

This summer I was the one freaking out about college, and everyone told me to shut up. Now everyone else is freaking out about college, and it's making me feel worse! I am never going to get in ANYWHERE, not even the University of Joge (Georgia in Friedman-speak) or Devry. Devry will look at my application and laugh, and say, where was the application of that guy, you know the one with one and a half teeth, who only went through second grade? Yeah we like him better. Let him in. That's what would happen. Seriously. And then the homecoming crisis ensues, as one of my guy friends just reminded me. I hate this. No date. No dress. No group. For the first time ever. I mean, I managed to pull a new prom date in two hours, but I can't get a homecoming date? How does that work. I hate hate hate hate hate high school. Someone shoot me, please.

Tear drop 12:47 AM of Sarah

I walked into NHS this morning, and I was wondering what kind of greeting one was supposed to give today. You certainly couldn't just walk up to someone and say, "Happy September 11th!" because today is certainly not a happy day in history. I remember last year, Caswell didn't even stop teaching, he just went back to whatever inane monkey in the tree problem we were working on. And at the end of French, they announced it on the intercom. That was when it hit. I remember walking around dazed, watching the news in all of my classes, including Jones' class. Serkies room was either dead quiet or filled with the uproar of voices debating, outraged at what had just happened to our country. I had to write a response to an article for Mr. Friedman's class that I thought was pretty good, even though it was written in study hall and at lunch. But it was written, nonetheless. Today most people didn't seem that upset about it, no one mourned the loss of all that life. We all wore our red, white, and blues, stood for the Pledge of Allegience, and actually recited it this time, listened to the Chorale, and paid attention to the moment of silence. But the rest of the day was relatively normal, which I wasn't expecting it to be. I don't know why, but I felt like we needed to have some kind of a break from our normal schedule, some significant halt in activity to say, we remember. We will never forget. And it didn't come. People were even disrespectful enough to pull a false alarm fire alarm during 4th period, which could have caused mass hysteria. I don't understand how last year, people were crying in the hallways, and this year, people are pulling fire alarms. It does not make sense to me at all.

Tear drop 12:22 AM of Sarah

So auditions are over. I can't decide if that was much fun, or much hell. Someone tell me. I'm in no mood to think. I don't feel well, I haven't started my homework, and life has gone shitty, except for the fact that things are good with Joelman. On that note I should say congratulations to everyone, including Laura Murphy, whom I might eat (just kidding!!!! :) ) maybe I should take a decongestant. I hate being sick.

Tear drop 11:17 PM of Sarah

I'll listen for your knock and I'll open the door and I'll drag you up to that room where we danced to beach music and kissed while lying on the carpet and I dared you to fall in love with me.

It's an amazing story. Daniel Glenn is oft' quoted as claiming that Conroy tried real hard, but didn't quite make it with Prince of Tides. In his blog on the issue, he even suggested that Conroy strip it down and start again. I cannot tell you what order Conroy wrote his books in, or if DG somehow pulled a Timeline-esque adventure and sent a message to Conroy in the 1980's telling him how to write his novels, but somehow he got the message. Beach Music is Conroy's magnificent masterpiece, a gift bestowed from heavens upon the literary world. In the novel, you can find traces of Savannah, Tom, Reese, Luke... all the Atlanta culture and other hints of southern pasttimes that he mentioned in his novel. But he only took the basis of these things, twisted them into a new format, and wrote a book that is quite possibly one of the most phenomenal pieces of fiction I've read. It only warranted one cry, but it was a good, long drawn out cry that still trickles down my cheeks, I've stained the pages. And there's still that feeling of despair and rapture that I always get when I read a novel that I absolutely adore. Conroy got it right, Daniel Glenn, pick up the book and read it, immerse yourself in Italy and South Carolina, my backwater ex-home, and become enraptured with the essence that he writes with. I dare you. I dare you to fall in love, I dare you to have your heart break, I dare you to compare it to his other novels, and most of all I dare you to cry. Because it's beautiful, plain and simple, an exquisite piece of literature. We should all discuss it. Book Club book number one. Read it.

Tear drop 2:41 AM of Sarah

I don't know why I love him, but I do. And this is a really, really bad idea.

Tear drop 3:12 AM of Sarah

The last first game I will ever have, and we lost. It sucked on the whole football aspect of the game, but I had great fun anyway. There's not a single activity in the whole world that can compare to the rush and the sense of camraderie and togetherness that you feel with 180 + people on hard metal stadium stands, while clapping, singing, playing, and cheering on your hopeless team, while you're in the band. I remember the first football game of my freshman year, I wasn't in band, and the only person I knew in band was Ryan McGinn. This was when I was still friends with the skaters, and it was "cool" to take no interest in school spirit, and instead pay 5 bucks to stand around in the corners of the school, involving ourselves in various melodramas, and getting thrown over people's shoulders. We made fun of the band so much that night, my friends and I, we stood on the edge of the track and pointed and guffawed at the absolute idiocy that was marching band. Who would want to be in marching band? Only dorks were in marching band. I continued with that attitude for the entirety of my freshman year, ditching out of pep rallies, wearing the opposite of school colors, sneaking into games, and generally adopting and I-hate-this-school mentality. Sophomore year, I didn't attend a single football game, but not by choice. I had my first job, and I worked nearly every day, and Fridays were no exception. But I did spend time with the band that year - it was my sister's freshman year, and she played clarinet in the band. When my mom went to pick her up after all the games, I was dragged along after being picked up from work. I was in the band room so much people thought I was in band, and after practice one night, Drew Dir said something that would change my life, thought I didn't realize it until this very moment. He said to me, "you're always here, so why don't you just join the band?" I told him that I didn't play any marching instrument, and so he said to me, "be on colorguard." At this point I was still frightened of Drew, and had no idea what colorguard was, so I wrote it off, and scampered quickly after my sister. But come April of my sophomore year, I found myself in the Old Gym with 30 other girls, in a pair of dark cheerleading shorts, a white shirt, and with a red flag in my hands, absolutely terrified that I wouldn't make the cut. I did make the cut, and from that moment foreward, my life has been tinged with colorguard. I did fall guard, was captain of the JV Winterguard, and auditioned for Fall Guard and for captain this past April. And I stuck with it. Last night I was out there on the football field with my head bent down, listening to one of my good friends scream, "mark time, mark", knowing that this time, one of my best friends, a skater, truly the antithesis of school spirit, sat in the stands for the first time, watching me perform. And a lot of my other friends were there, people who couldn't even imagine me being in colorguard, and I knew in that instant that they were wrong. Colorguard was me, it flowed through my bloodlines, it gave me energy, school spirit, and a pride in myself. It helped me overcome stage fright, helped me make fabulous new friends, and gave me countless experiences that I would never have had in another setting. When I stood in the stands last night, flipping through the football program and doing stand dances, missing old guard members, and hating some new ones, I remembered the 15 year old girl that had stood on the edge of the track 3 years ago, making fun of the band, asking herself why ANYONE would ever want to join such a thing. The band played on, drum majors conducting wildly, girls crying, makeup smearing while cannons were going off, water was spilling, people were cheering, laughing, and walking by, and I smiled to myself, and I thought, why wouldn't anyone want to be in marching band?

Tear drop 2:16 AM of Sarah

I am brilliant and wonderful and magnificent. I should be less than 10% moron, as is my esteemed friend Nick. How cool is that. I just got DSL connected to my computer, too! That's amazing. I have a thousand thoughts, but none of them happy, I think I'll go read a book.

Tear drop 12:16 AM of Sarah